i had that feeling again today.
No matter how many times i find myself here it never really loses its . . . i have no idea what it is. I am sure you know the feeling that i am typing about. Its the ever quite yet ever present voice of God telling you to do something, or don't do something that you had you heart set on, no more than that. Like the feeling you get when God tells you to end a relationship that you think is going GREAT. You can almost hear your hopes and dreams falling down around you as if you are standing in a burning building. The finality is mind numbing. The very air your standing in feels like your tomb. You float there breathless the knees cut out from under you and the very bottom of you stomach is nowhere to be found. You feel completely and utterly hallow and alone. Yeah that feeling.
What is weirder though is how easy you can just . . . ignore that voice and just continue as if nothing has happened. Trust me, i have done it several times. The Lord will keep telling you about it, but you can build up a resistance if you will. Seeing it typed is painful, a "resistance" to the voice of GOD.
No matter how awful that sounds i still find myself constructing a dam in my mind to keep the floodwaters of the Lord's will at bay. i have learned in the past that this only works for a while and finally when the flood comes, its a damburst and complete detestation is unleashed upon me and unfortunately those closest to me causing far more pain than ever would have been endured in these early stages. My "religious mentor" (Scott Parnell), has expressed to me many times that the Lord will be JUST loud enough for you to hear. He will always be in the back of your mind. He is convinced that God tried to talk to Moses several times before the Burning bush, but Moses was always able to ignore Him or just shake it off as himself being a nut. Yet i still find myself cutting timber and making foundations for my dam. i have not yet done what He has told me not to, and i keep telling myself/Him that i will not, but i am still "flirting" with those things related to it. The CRAZIEST thing of all is that i am really not THAT attached to the idea that He has negated. Oddly enough though i still kind of pursue it. What is this within me that just seeks to go against the Lord. Is it just me?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
yeah i know that feeling. it is super weird (and scary) how we can resist the voice of the Lord so easily. how we'll fight for some sort of autonomy or something for whatever reason.
do we really believe God's way/path is the best? we can tell ourselves of course we do, but it always seems so much harder in the moment when we are called to give something up.
I know all about this feeling. But mine is a wall instead of a dam, and I keep putting up more and more insulation to muffle God's voice, and there's part of me in the wall, so that when I have to tear it down, it hurts so much just trying to get back to Him.
numbness, I like the part about the air feeling like a tomb, so true.
Post a Comment