changing of a season

As we look outside it is easy to tell that something has changed since October. No more dried leaves no more trees of red or orange. The once green grass is now nicely tucked beneath its white glistening blanket. The naked branches now rustle not with leaves but with ice. My favorite shorts have been "neatly" shoved into a back drawer; their vacancy filled by wool socks. The bike has been paddle locked to the garage and this year's first set of sled plans are being drawn on napkins even as I type. However, this blog is not about the cold that has settled over Manhattan. Not another look into the wistful woes of winter, but a look into the author and the "weather" of his heart.

For those of you that do not know God has called me to "fulfill the desires of His heart" in southeast Asia. There is no way that I will have the patience to tell the WHOLE, AMAZING story of God pursuing me and setting me on my current path here. If you are reading this and curious ask me. Anyway the part that I think is important for you to know is that threeish years ago I received a prophecy. A word from the Lord that I have held in the deepest part of my heart. It is kept close to me always assuring, keeping me warm. Its hard for me to describe. Its not that I have never doubted it, if this were the case I would be concerned in the fact that satan has not felt a necessity to attack it, but this is not the case. There have been brief panic stricken moments where I thought that Mark could have been wrong, that I have been focusing my life around a lie and my world crumbles. But these feelings are short and then the peace returns. The words that I have formed hopefully the remainder of my life around: "For the next five years God will fulfill the desires of your heart, and after those five years you will start fulfilling the desires of His." So today I sit here with 793 days to go, and . . . well this is what the blog is about.

I am sure that all of you have in some way have become familiar with inevitability. I don't mean "knowing" what it means, but actually being in a situation that has an inevitable ending. An ending that is both unavoidable and unchangeable. Although the ending is good I can't help but feel trapped, even suffocated by this ever looming future. I know there are many turns in the road ahead of me, I can see a few of them already starting. Looking back I have also realized that God has changed my course several times to be where I am today. I am excited about where He is taking me, but at the same time TERRIFIED. Terrified of the fact that who I comfortably am today will not make it where God will be taking me, where "the desires of His heart" are. I am terrified of the fact that in the next 793 days I MUST finally become the man of God I have always wanted to be.

I am sure most of you are like, "that sounds great," and trust me I know yet, the fear persist. Its always been easier to play halfway, to leave a distance, not to get to involved; that way if things go badly you can say "well I really wasn't trying, I wasn't all the way into that." This mechanism protects me not just from failure in the eyes of others, but primarily failure in my own eyes. I don't know about you ladies, but I think this fear of failure mechanism, in some form, is hardwired into the heart of every man. I know that God's plan will call me to be everything he made me to be. Which in the past I have decided I could ever actually be so I have never tried out of fear of failure, and of this I am embarrassed . . . even ashamed. This fear that I have fallen victim to reminds me of my favorite quote:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
--Theodore Roosevelt

Teddy could really turn a phrase, eh. What I get over and over from this is that if I try I will fail, but try I still must. "There is no effort without error," no victory without first a battle. The Lord has called me to achievement, to victory, so I know I must first error, and I must first fight.

As I type here in the cold of winter I look ahead to the summer, knowing God's will for my life and knowing things will change; that things must change. But that I must first find a new season. A season of change, I must find my spring. He is already thawing things around me, lining up the desires of my heart, and making ready the paths I will tread. I know the birds will be returning soon and the trees will begin to bud. I can either stay disconnected, in this winter, safe from failure, or I can accept this spring knowing it is the only way to embrace the summer God has planned for me. And although I know I will fail, trust in Dad and know He'll catch me. Now I smile and go get my shorts out.