ranger thinks

insomnia

2009-04-24T01:53:00.000-07:00

i have insomnia and feel like blogging however i feel that i lack one good coherent thought to make a decent blog so i will instead take several of my past "almost posts" and run them together to make an indecent blog. a new topic will be set apart by its title inside dashes like this --new title--.

I had insomnia in high school. it hasn't bothered me much since then, but i fear that it is once again returning. Since i left the happy employ of dillion's store #15 (3 weeks on saturday) i have been able to fall asleep before 3 am once, and most often see the sunrise before i finally meet up with the good 'ole sand man. Where did we get the idea that we fall asleep because some weirdo comes to our room and dumps sand on us . . . ? anyway i digress. its weird for some reason i can only use small amounts of time for anything productive. i often find myself planning my actions in the case of a zombie invasion, or discovering that i can put my hair in pig tails (this is KINDA scary).

--Sad Songs & Waltzs--

Over the last month i have learned a great many things about myself. Some of these things i believe really apply only to me, but you may find some wisdom in one of them, so here they are.
When you need to stay awake: see how long you can go without blinking
dance as opposed to walk where you need to go
try to spell things you're working with backwards
When drinking a pale ale corn chips go with them great

--Square Peg--

A few days back i was cursed with the misfortune of thinking about my future, but unlike usual i realized that God could tell me what He had in store for me, in fact, i had a feeling that all i had to do was ask and He would happily reveal it to me. i started to ask, but a smile broke over my face and i looked heavenward, shook my head, "not a chance, i wouldn't want to spoil it" then i went back to worship.
a computer beat me at chess once, but as it turns out i'm a much better kick boxer.

--Summer Whoas--

i think that is the wrong kind of whoa, but i have no idea how to spell the other so you get the point. Although i am honestly glad to see the warmer weather come there are a few things i will miss. First of all FLANNEL, sweet mercy i miss my flannel from April to October. #2 it has been 50 degrees in our house (because we're cheap) since middle of October and now it will be 90 degrees (because we're cheap). Three sleeping in my bag. When it hits 90 i'm gonna hafta try to find some place to hang my hammock again. Also sledge will be moving into my room right after finals. i love this man a great deal and would do almost anything for him (a conversation i had with him and wolfman tonight about helping hide bodies proved that to me) but he SNORES. granted i do a little as well, or so i've been told, but that will stop once i get back to my normal weight.

--Life Goals--

i'd like to learn to play the harmonic well
i'd like to get my pilots license
i'd like to improve my omelet making skills
i'd like to . . . no, i think that covers it

--three two beer--

i am not sure why this bothers me, but it does. i was shopping for party supplies with wolfman at Whiskey Tango-Mart and while i was standing in one of many ridiculously long lines i noticed a number of people buying beer. i'm sure that this is a fairly common practice on a Saturday afternoon. Now i guess i don't have to big of a beef with those who are buying A six pack, but a lot of these "drinking age" wal-mart customers were loading up and some only had their beer. Now first its called a liquor store for a reason. second of all sweet mercy why spend 30 bucks on cases of NASTY 3.2 Bud Light when there are SO MANY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED beers out there.

--past memories--

Today i grabbed my old mp3 player and my runnin' shoes and hit the pavement. Amongst my pain a few songs from my "past" slipped through,and i was amazed how these songs that i hadn't heard in years carried such an incredible weight of memories. So yeah, most of the songs linked to memories were about girls,but i think music is incredibly big part of relationships. If i were you this would be the point i would stop reading, but if you are really interested in the songs that have been hardwired to relationships of my past i guess keep reading.

Amy: Here Without You, 3 Doors Down
Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
Be Mine, Grits
This is My United States of Whatever, Liam Lynch
Break-up: Life After Lisa, Bowling For Soup

Alexandria: Bless the Broken Road, Rascall Flatts
Break-up: Be My Escape, Relient K

Jayme: 18th Floor Balcony, Blue October
Jamie, Weezer
Break-up: Where'd You Go, Fort Minor

Annalise: All Night Long, Lionel Richie

Other memories tied to songs:
Thad and Ash: More Than Words, Extreme
Thad's Batch Party: Canada, Five Iron Frenzy
Tennis Practice: Sufficiency of Grace, Greg Long

--i hate people--

i hate VERY few individual people, but our population as a whole, i despise. the majority of the people that make up this great country of ours fit into one of two groups 1. mindless sheep, they don't really care about what is going on in our government, as long as they can vote for their favorite american idol and complain about this "economy" they're content. 2 complainers this group is not content with things as they are and insist upon change however these complainers are by some strange twist of fate basically spread evenly on both sides of every issue, so that no matter what happens we always have the same number of complainers.

well that has been all my ramblings for the last couple weeks
hasta pasta
p.s. what time zone on God's green Earth is the clock at the bottom of these blogs set for. i posted this puppy at 4:38am.

A Big Tribute to a Little Dog

2009-03-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

What is it about animals that allows us to create such a powerful bond? We cannot speak the same language, we don't view the world the same, and we share very few activities. We often find ourselves upset with the animal for a myriad of things. Eating or otherwise destroying an item that we found valuable, going to the bathroom not in the bathroom, or merely being that one last thing on a long day. They can be a constant drain on our finances needing, food and costing us additional rent, as well as the occasional vet bill or visit to the friendly animal control officer. When things are lined up like this its hard to believe that we would have anything to do with such an animal none the less seek out their companionship. But this is only half the list. The other half of the list is full of . . . well love. Animals provide us with an opportunity. An opportunity to be vulnerable to something no no someone, someone that will never betray us, someone that will love us no matter how well we did on or macroeconomics test or how many speeding tickets we've received. We allow animals to love us when we allow no one else, not even ourselves. They are there quietly waiting for an opportunity to do what they do best. This is quickly turning into a sappy gushy piece which i hope never to write, but i do want to remind those with pets to take a few moments tonight and appreciate them a little more. Buddy Spot Perkinson passed away This afternoon. This overweight beagle/basset mix squirmed his way into many a heart and i know he will be missed. Although he was not even my dog, but the dog of a friend, i already miss him greatly. i have no reservation in saying that this world is worse off without him.

sleep is for SUCKAS!

2009-03-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Sunday
9:00am: Wake-up after a full 8 hours (YES). Start the day by unwinding, watch "The Core." Not really a good movie, but it keeps me from continuing my mid-term studying.
11:00am: Walk Buddy. Wolfman went to Chicago this week, so the fat old beagle has rarely left my side when i'm home and i take advantage of the beautiful morning to "take him out for a spin."
noon: Start mid-term studying which is researching 20 essay questions in the field of Environmental Ethics and writing a half page response to each. To keep my spirits high I am watching the 4th season of Macgyver in the back ground.
10:00pm: Jump in the shower, shave, trim nails, get into uniform, head to work.
11:00pm: Start work, work is a lot of running around frantic throwing boxes and dog food bags (no naps).
7:30am: Get off work drop Will off and head home.
8:00am: close my blinds, set my alarm and crash.
11:00am: Get up can continue studying (special thanks to Wildcard i would usually need to be at Capstone by 9:30, but I asked for some time to study/sleep.
noon: Head to class, take test do marginally well.
1:30pm: Head to an apartment to work for Capstone.
5:00pm: Get home, cook dinner for Sledge and I, began research outline for presentation.
7:30pm: CRASH with Buddy on the Love seat, yes both of us on that TINY THING.
9:00pm: Jump in the shower, shave, change into uniform, head to work.
10:00pm: Another great night of baking goods, and dog food.
6:30am: Get off work head home, kick Sledge to get him to go jogging with me. He won't. Call John "Wildcard" Creagar to see if he wants to work out. Finish beer i had opened with dinner a mere 12 hours ago.
7:10am: Wildcard show up, we head to the rec and pump iron P90X style.
8:30am: home for a shower
9:00am: accidental crash
11:00am: wake up late for work and class. head to work, then class,then a meeting, then back to work.
5:30pm: Home for a little grub, then some Chuck, then hitting the books again to work on a presentation.
8:00am: A few guys come over to play Rock Band.
Midnight: Spend sometime fallin' back in love with Danielle
1:30am: Off to bed with me, up tomorrow at 7:00am
see you then

Oh well

2009-02-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

Well as you might know the T experiment is over and i am saddened to report that i am neither dead nor the ruler of a South American country, but i feel as if this experiment has spurred me on to greater and more challenging experiments. My buddy mike suggested that i take estrogen for a month, but this is nowhere near as appealing to me as the T plus it kinda . . . well . . . scares me. i'm crazy but not E crazy. No, no i have settled on a . . . safer idea.

Last winter my peeps and i constructed a sled (Isee Grav) and had an INCREDIBLE time with it. This winter came, but no snow, so we never had a chance to build another sled. So i have decided to build a spring sled. Yes that's correct a land luge. To facilitate this and the $3,700 i now owe Uncle Sam i have attained a second job. i will be pulling an additional 40 hours a week Sun, Mon, Wed, and Fridays 10:00 pm- 8am. This will help me stay honest with my "Odd Habit" decision. I plan on making a video to show the plan and construction of the luge, so be looking for that. I also need your help. Should the luge be name "Pushin' Up Daises" or "Fashionably Late" (Not that we arrive at a location attractively behind schedule, but that we Die with style; get it?)

Another unrelated note couchsurfing.com. Check it out. I registered a while back and encourage you to do the same.

But no seriously i think i'm in love with Danielle. Check her out youtube "danielle ate the sandwich". my favs Wanderer, Afterwards, We are Hot Dogs, Dream a Little Dream of Me, Ode to Optophobia, Things We Have in Common, Handsome Girl

later 'gator

EXTREME TESTOSTERONE OVERLOAD DAY 1

2009-02-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

HOLY FLYING MONKEY CRAP!! Within an hour and a half of taking my increased dosage of T this morning my heart was racing, my head spliting, i was short of breathe, dizy, and my eyes had problems picking something to focus on; i felt AMAZING. Its like i just got done playing a football game, i feel all beat up and really tired but fulfilled like the end of a hard days work. The day prceeded with only one altercation with wolfman however it did included a pair of drumsticks. I also found myself discussing the effectiveness of different forms of headlocks after ichthus. i am truly excited about ETOD2 i'll keep you up to date.

Something to think about

2009-02-11T23:58:00.000-08:00

i don't know if you've heard, but March is "Start a Odd Habit that May be Hazardous to Your Health Month." Wow, where does the time go. It seems that just yesterday i was ending last year's odd habit. Be alert guys, i'm telling you this one sneaks right up on you. It is important to start thinking about your "Odd Habit" right now while there is still a little time. i can personally testify to having to run with a particularly bad Odd Habit for an entire month just because it was March 1st and you had nothing else. I understand if this is your first odd habit month it might be difficult to think of some good ones so i will take a little time out of my busy schedule to give you some examples of both good and bad odd habits.

Good Odd Habits that May be Hazardous to Your Health:
Wearing two different colored socks
Shave a different part of your face everyday
Run your windshield wipers when its not raining
Honk at all stop signs
Choose a common word or words and pronounce them incorrectly
Sing questionable songs loudly in public (ex. "its raining men")

Bad Odd Habits that May be Hazardous to Your Health
Skip where ever you go
Eat a piece of bologna everyday
Start a Troll collection
Flirt with members of the Police Department
Try to communicate using sign language

i think this is a sufficient base. If you come up with an idea and you are not sure whether its good or not you can shoot me a line and i'll set you straight. If you are interested i have decided that for this March i will only sleep on days whose name included the letter U.

T squared

2009-02-11T12:16:00.000-08:00

First of all i would like to apologize for falling so far behind on the T updates i just didn't have anything to report. i am currently on TOD14, and up to this point i feel that i have had no undeniable T filled effects (besides my GREATLY inflated ego of course which can you really blame me for, i mean i am pretty amazing). Up to this point i have been . . . disappointed. i however blame this lack of "unquenchable rage" upon myself and only myself (the guys at the "T-Bomb" factory should count their lucky FREAKIN' stars that this one isn't coming back to them). When i read the bottle promising three times the normal amounts of T i assumed that they were talking to me, but after some careful thought i realized that no one at the "T-Bomb" factory could have known of the exceedingly high amounts of T already coursing through my extremely MANLY, tone, and rock hard body. Some interesting facts: i have read that men are considerably less sensitive to hormones then women. i also learned that the average man has 80 to 90 times the amount of T in his system than a woman. So back to the plot, since i have not had any noticeable effects i am as of tonight doubling my dosage. Advantages: when i walk down the street and see another guy i can say that i have at LEAST six times the amount of T that he does and if i see a woman i can say i have at least 480 times the amount of T then she does (at first i thought this would be a good pick-up line, but now i am starting to question it, i think i'll stick with the "how much does a penguin weigh?"). If nothing happens i will be done taking pills sooner.
So i am somewhat frightened that i might become a little. . . intense. Luckily i only have 7 increased doses, so within a week i will be either dead or the ruler of a small South American country. Only time will tell.

p.s. check out "Danielle Ate the Sandwich" on youtube. she is beautiful, talented, and pretty weird. She's batting three for three on my future mrs. ranger checklist

That Feeling

2009-02-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

i had that feeling again today.
No matter how many times i find myself here it never really loses its . . . i have no idea what it is. I am sure you know the feeling that i am typing about. Its the ever quite yet ever present voice of God telling you to do something, or don't do something that you had you heart set on, no more than that. Like the feeling you get when God tells you to end a relationship that you think is going GREAT. You can almost hear your hopes and dreams falling down around you as if you are standing in a burning building. The finality is mind numbing. The very air your standing in feels like your tomb. You float there breathless the knees cut out from under you and the very bottom of you stomach is nowhere to be found. You feel completely and utterly hallow and alone. Yeah that feeling.
What is weirder though is how easy you can just . . . ignore that voice and just continue as if nothing has happened. Trust me, i have done it several times. The Lord will keep telling you about it, but you can build up a resistance if you will. Seeing it typed is painful, a "resistance" to the voice of GOD.

No matter how awful that sounds i still find myself constructing a dam in my mind to keep the floodwaters of the Lord's will at bay. i have learned in the past that this only works for a while and finally when the flood comes, its a damburst and complete detestation is unleashed upon me and unfortunately those closest to me causing far more pain than ever would have been endured in these early stages. My "religious mentor" (Scott Parnell), has expressed to me many times that the Lord will be JUST loud enough for you to hear. He will always be in the back of your mind. He is convinced that God tried to talk to Moses several times before the Burning bush, but Moses was always able to ignore Him or just shake it off as himself being a nut. Yet i still find myself cutting timber and making foundations for my dam. i have not yet done what He has told me not to, and i keep telling myself/Him that i will not, but i am still "flirting" with those things related to it. The CRAZIEST thing of all is that i am really not THAT attached to the idea that He has negated. Oddly enough though i still kind of pursue it. What is this within me that just seeks to go against the Lord. Is it just me?

TOD4,5

2009-02-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry i've fallen behind.
actually nothing really has happened. took a road trip with sledge and fifdy and my legs were a little more "antsy" than usual. Did some shooting on Sunday. i don't mean to toot me own horn but "toot toot" i am a pretty good shot. Prairie dogs actually tell their children stories about me around campfires, but anyway. my shooting on Sunday was ATROCIOUS! i began thinking. i know that woman, yes woman can be better shooters then men because their body chemistry creates a more stable base. Male snipers often take large doses of cold medicine before a op to slow down there systems and relax themselves. So i am going to attribute my TERRIBLE shooting to the fact that my T levels were jacked. Also i feel that the T is having little to no effect. i will continue the regular dosage until day 10 on which i will have a meeting of my peers (and possibly a nurse) and discuss bumping the dosage to 1.5. that is all for today.

TOD3

2009-01-31T21:33:00.000-08:00

Jan 31, 2009
nothing really important or exciting. did a little research regarding TESTOSTERONE and what it might be doing to my body. The experiment continues as scheduled.

TOD2

2009-01-30T23:13:00.000-08:00

Jan 30, 2009
Woke up, played racquetball with wildcard (john creagar) then returned home to make breakfast. my new diet is heavy on protein, so i slice a couple chunks off a pork loin and threw it in the pan, then proceeded to wash dishes, when it came time to turn the pork there were no utensils available, so i just used my hand (very quickly). Although i have never done this before i don't think its to far off the norm. Then to work, and class, nothing of interest besides how INCREDIBLY hungry i was all day. After class things got interesting spent sometime on my heavy bag, it felt GOOD, then the rest of the night could be summed up with the word anger. Playing Jenga while on T is an incredible experience which ended with me assaulting the other players with the blocks. anyway friends and i continued to play video games with a silent rage ever growing every time i lost at Mortal kombat/DC comics. I got to the point where i realized i needed to give the remote to someone else quickly. then home to bed still a little angry. tomorrow i'm fishing, this could be interesting.
peace out.

TESTOSTERONE Overload Day 1

2009-01-29T21:19:00.000-08:00

As i open my bottle of swallowable capsuled manliness this morning i was embraced by a smell. Not exactly the smell i would label "man," but a smell equally as foul. Today i also started my training diet. That's right, for the next 3 months i will be miserably hungry while pursuing "physical fitness." On an unrelated topic there is indeed a trick to eating raw collard greens or any leafy vegetable and if any would like to know it i would be happy to share. But now on to the buiz

Jan 29, 2009 TESTOSTERONE Overload Day 1 (TOD1)
I took my pills today shortly before noon and proceeded to have a lunch of dehydrated mango chunks and a 4oz fillet of cod which did indeed explode in the microwave this made it considerable harder to eat. I had to literally reach into the microwave and peel small pieces of fish of the interior before consuming them. I would like to contribute this to TESTOSTERONE (from now on T) but i have done very similar actions in the past unaided by additional male hormones. I then grabbed a handful of raw collard greens and hit the door for class. i believe this is a good time to express a concern. It is possible that i will indeed be "changing" but since it is a chemical thing for me i might not even realize it. so i have decided to type about everything and you can decided. case in point: i do admit it was more difficult than usual to ignore my EXTREMELY beautiful teammate in class, but i don't think anything to out of the ordinary. Later that day i did have some odd colored . . . (sorry). Played a few video games (i really don't play that much, but i think this might have some visible effects with the T, do you understand?) perhaps less exciting than yesterday. Ichthus, nothing, back to work, nothing, home maybe a little restless. That's the day, more tomorrow

T-BOMB Experiment

2009-01-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

While my roommate Wolfman and myself were visiting our local General Nutrition Center (GNC) in Manhattan's lovely Towne Center Mall he happed upon a product. This product PEAKED our interest, and created a BURNING desire within me to have a little "social experiment."
The product as you may have guessed by now is named T-BOMB. This product is a supplement. "What kind of supplement ranger?" you might ask. in which i would respond . . . "a TESTOSTERONE supplement! HELL to the YA, BABY!!!!!" After a little math we discovered that there was a 28 day supply of T-BOMB which boasted not to "increase", not to "double", but to TRIPLE TESTOSTERONE levels in your body while reducing that pesky, woosy estrogen.
So the experiment . . . i decided that i will write one blog now discussing my general feelings and moods then for the next 28 day i will take these supplements and try to continue recording my thoughts/feelings/carnage(s) for as long as i am able to operate a computer without slipping into a fit of blind rage and throwing it and the toilet at a passing UPS van. I will then try to continue the blog if not incarcerated by this time to discuss the "downhill side" after the drug . . . i mean supplement runs out.
So your first question might be, "Is it safe?"
My response, "WHO CARES! its T!" But no seriously TESTOSTERONE has been found to be a "controlled substance" which means those taking these supplements could become addicted to TESTOSTERONE. That's right you heard it here it is addicting to be a male. Luckily i already am one so on to question two.
"Are you taking any precautionary measures."
answer "Yes." I would like to apologize in advance to all of those who deal with me regularly for any excessive "Manliness" i might exhibit during the course of this experiment. This is the cost of science, and i am willing to pay it (i certainly hope you are too). John i am sorry, but the whole "Fix thing" criteria of the job might not work for me especially if it doesn't fly after the first time. Secondly i have also discussed the experiment at length with one of my roommates. The others will unfortunately be part of the "control group" and will not be told until it is far to late to purchase helmets, cups, clubs, or even deadbolts.
"Any hypothesises?"
I believe that there will be heightened levels of aggression, and apathy. Most likely shorter amounts of patience and longer amounts of "Kick Ass." My desire for fruits and vegetables will reach an ALL TIME LOW while my red meat cravings will possibly send me casing cattle or jumping head long into one of those refrigerator displays at our local supermarket. Possibly the "supplement" would allow me to sleep less while hopelessly devastating more! Then the whole ego thing could be interesting too. Lets not forget hairiness or body odors, two other areas i am planning to see myself in peak performance in. Then of course flight is always a possibility as well.
Any further questions . . . alright let us begin.

Jan 28th 2009
i woke up late, went to work. Ended up a little frustrated at a closet i was painting, but no altercations. I proceeded to class uneventfully able to keep focused for a majority of the time. Then home to play shooting video games with moderate enjoyment and little to no bloodlust. Went shopping, then to the bars with Wolfman (slightly less interesting since i no longer drink), then to dillion's for lunch with Sledge. I bought a bunch of 5 tiny bananas which i am sure were a hybridization between cucumbers and cotton. Although i am upset with my purchase not so much as to express it physically. Then i returned home and eventually off to bed.

changing of a season

2008-12-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

As we look outside it is easy to tell that something has changed since October. No more dried leaves no more trees of red or orange. The once green grass is now nicely tucked beneath its white glistening blanket. The naked branches now rustle not with leaves but with ice. My favorite shorts have been "neatly" shoved into a back drawer; their vacancy filled by wool socks. The bike has been paddle locked to the garage and this year's first set of sled plans are being drawn on napkins even as I type. However, this blog is not about the cold that has settled over Manhattan. Not another look into the wistful woes of winter, but a look into the author and the "weather" of his heart.

For those of you that do not know God has called me to "fulfill the desires of His heart" in southeast Asia. There is no way that I will have the patience to tell the WHOLE, AMAZING story of God pursuing me and setting me on my current path here. If you are reading this and curious ask me. Anyway the part that I think is important for you to know is that threeish years ago I received a prophecy. A word from the Lord that I have held in the deepest part of my heart. It is kept close to me always assuring, keeping me warm. Its hard for me to describe. Its not that I have never doubted it, if this were the case I would be concerned in the fact that satan has not felt a necessity to attack it, but this is not the case. There have been brief panic stricken moments where I thought that Mark could have been wrong, that I have been focusing my life around a lie and my world crumbles. But these feelings are short and then the peace returns. The words that I have formed hopefully the remainder of my life around: "For the next five years God will fulfill the desires of your heart, and after those five years you will start fulfilling the desires of His." So today I sit here with 793 days to go, and . . . well this is what the blog is about.

I am sure that all of you have in some way have become familiar with inevitability. I don't mean "knowing" what it means, but actually being in a situation that has an inevitable ending. An ending that is both unavoidable and unchangeable. Although the ending is good I can't help but feel trapped, even suffocated by this ever looming future. I know there are many turns in the road ahead of me, I can see a few of them already starting. Looking back I have also realized that God has changed my course several times to be where I am today. I am excited about where He is taking me, but at the same time TERRIFIED. Terrified of the fact that who I comfortably am today will not make it where God will be taking me, where "the desires of His heart" are. I am terrified of the fact that in the next 793 days I MUST finally become the man of God I have always wanted to be.

I am sure most of you are like, "that sounds great," and trust me I know yet, the fear persist. Its always been easier to play halfway, to leave a distance, not to get to involved; that way if things go badly you can say "well I really wasn't trying, I wasn't all the way into that." This mechanism protects me not just from failure in the eyes of others, but primarily failure in my own eyes. I don't know about you ladies, but I think this fear of failure mechanism, in some form, is hardwired into the heart of every man. I know that God's plan will call me to be everything he made me to be. Which in the past I have decided I could ever actually be so I have never tried out of fear of failure, and of this I am embarrassed . . . even ashamed. This fear that I have fallen victim to reminds me of my favorite quote:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
--Theodore Roosevelt

Teddy could really turn a phrase, eh. What I get over and over from this is that if I try I will fail, but try I still must. "There is no effort without error," no victory without first a battle. The Lord has called me to achievement, to victory, so I know I must first error, and I must first fight.

As I type here in the cold of winter I look ahead to the summer, knowing God's will for my life and knowing things will change; that things must change. But that I must first find a new season. A season of change, I must find my spring. He is already thawing things around me, lining up the desires of my heart, and making ready the paths I will tread. I know the birds will be returning soon and the trees will begin to bud. I can either stay disconnected, in this winter, safe from failure, or I can accept this spring knowing it is the only way to embrace the summer God has planned for me. And although I know I will fail, trust in Dad and know He'll catch me. Now I smile and go get my shorts out.

Irrational(?) fears

2008-12-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

Mad props to John "Wildcard" Creagar for this one. Irrational fears is an amazing subject matter. I think identifying them is the first step in a long complicated process that ends in us still being completely and hopelessly terrified of them. They are irrational after all aren't they.

Anyway I will be the first to admit that I am frightened of many things, however when I stop and really think about it I feel that none of them are completely "irrational." For instance although it may be improbable that (1) i would be stuck on a long road trip with nothing but a Nickleback CD, it is not irrational.
Other irrational(?) fears include:
(2) Zombie invasions. Improbable . . . maybe, unfounded definitely not. Do you have a plan of action? If you don't you might as well start eating tasty brains right now. I have a fireman's axe named "the hunter" right at the head of my bed for just such an occasion. Later blog topic "is decapitating a zombie a sin?"
(3) Clowns. What the HELL is wrong with those people?!
(4) Worms. Okay maybe this is a little irrational but they are so gross and I am not to proud to say it. Do you know that all of a worm's reproductive cycles take place on the outside. The last thing I want is a worm std. I will not touch a worm; ask anyone who has been fishing with me.
(5) Cabbage Patch Dolls. Alright Wildcard you win this round. [Irrational]
(6) Inhaling some poisonous gas and having to stab myself in the heart with one of those HUGE NEEDLES. I think I'll choose death's sweet release before I insert that turkey baster into my atrium.

That's all I can think of now. Hasta pasta

50 degrees

2008-12-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

In this blog I would like to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of keeping the interior of your house at, you guessed it, 50 degrees. For the sake of my terrible typing skills advantages is now abbreviated as ad. and disadvantages is now dis.

ad. Lower heating costs
dis. Higher long john and wool sock costs
ad. Not actually having to put anything in the refrigerator.
dis. Having to put honey and syrup in the microwave.
ad. Your bed being so amazing at night.
dis. Not being able to get out of your bed in the morning.
ad. Creation of a common bond between roommates.
dis. Creation of a common illness between roommates.
ad. Sitting on the drier is really warm.
dis. Sitting on the toilet is REALLY cold.
ad. When you go elsewhere that is "heated" you are always comfortable even if the host believes it's cold.
dis. When others come to your house they are NEVER comfortable even if you believe it is a "dry cold."
ad. Your roommates beagle may cuddle with you.
dis. Your roommates beagle may catch a cold.
ad. Water left in cups overnight actually taste better in the morning.
dis. Water left in rags overnight actually renders the rags useless in the morning.
ad. Showers are amazing.
dis. Ending showers are almost impossible.
ad. You remember how much you really like hot tea.
dis. You remember how much you dislike frostbite.
ad. The stereo works better when its cold.
dis. Toothpaste doesn't work better when its cold.
ad. Having to sleep in a sleeping bag.
dis. Having to sleep with the clothes your planning to wear in the morning.
ad. The cold helps some people focus.
dis. Mostly focus on how cold they are.
ad. It gives me something to blog about instead of studying for finals.
dis. It gives me something to blog about instead of studying for finals.

I hope this list has helped you decided if 50 is for you or not.

a few of "my favorite things"

2008-12-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

After revisiting one of my favorite things this morning I thought it was appropriate to compile a list of them; and since i have a blog I'm going to put them here whether you care or not (i want to put one of those sideways happy faces here, but I'm far to manly).

* Waking up early in my tent to a bitter cold morning. Frost, caused by the moisture in my breathe, has lined the inside walls and ceiling of my nylon house. I put on my cloths which have been hardened by the night. After using my headlamp to find and "adjust" all my layers I tie my boots and step out into the cold. Only then do I realize how warm it really was in my tent. The air, which i can now clearly see as I exhale, stings my lungs. And as the world sleeps i wander off into the dark.
* Praying for someone I love.
* The sound of pine needles under my boots.
* A really good stretch.
* The sound and finesse of an axe splitting logs.
* The moment you know the fire you started is going to catch.
* A really greasy burger and fries with buddies at a truckstop.
* Baptisms.
* The feeling of a rope in my hands.
* Music that's so loud its hard to breathe.
* The sound of a church bell on a cold morning.
* Jogging with a ponytail.
* "Being there" for someone.
* Picking up things that are far to heavy.
* Spending time with my brother.
* Going for really long walks.
* The satisfaction of playing catch with a baseball.
* Singing LOUD in the cars with friends.
* Not knowing what I'm doing with my life.
* Driving.
* Going to "lunch" with my graveyard shift buddies.
* Finishing a book.
* Hugs.
* Putting on clothes that just came off the line.
* Knowing I "like" someone before they do.
* The smell of "deep woods off".
* Cooking breakfast over a campfire.
* Doing what people who know you don't expect.
* Finding something I thought was lost.
* Cold duck.
* Screaming "ALLIGATOR" while looking for Thaddeus in a group of people.
* Doing something God has been asking you to do for awhile.
* Building something from wood.
* Finding out something about myself.
* Turkey legs.
* Going to Big Meadow.
* Manual labor with friends.
* Sledding.
* Laughing until I cackle. (yes i do cackle)
* Giving someone a verse when its really needed.

This is my list for now. I encourage all of you to make a similar list and see if you're not in a really good mood by the end. I look forward to reading all of your lists. :-) ok maybe just one smile

10 ways to let go (in order of effectiveness)

2008-12-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

10: get drunk. I would actually like to list this as 15. You are not really dealing with any of the emotions you have in fact you are ignoring them. Then the following day you still can’t deal with your emotions because you have to deal with a hangover. Special thanks to my boss for not firing me when I called in hung over. And finally if the loved one, as in my case, was a deeply religious man when you stop and think about it really doesn’t honor them (later blog topic).
9: Ignore it. Pretend it never happened a little classier than 10 but just as ineffective.
8: Become apathetic. Things are starting to move in the right direction. Acknowledging the death, but hardening yourself. Sure he/she died but you know you don’t care . . . insert strange reasoning here.
7: Bottle it up. Acknowledge the death and your pain, but refuse to share it or even discuss it with those who care.
6: Joke about it. Later this can be a good sign, but early on it’s just another way of ignoring it. The griever is just trying to cover pain with humor. You are just lying to yourself.
5: Speak to friends. Its best to speak to those who also knew the departed, but any friend will do. Accept the loss, don’t side step pain. Hugs are great.
4: Go for a drive. I don’t know what it is about driving that helps you think, but it does. I recommend driving at night to no particular destination.
3: Spend time with the Lord. Tell him exactly how you feel, even if you are bitter about the death. I promise he already knows how you feel. Telling Him often helps YOU realize how YOU feel.
2: CRY. It’s okay! Just stop and let things settle and don’t fight it.
1: Go to the funeral. There is nothing quite as healing as celebrating the life of a loved one with other people who feel the same way you do. If you are really lucky you’ll have the opportunity to road trip 700 miles with a buddy who also knew and loved the deceased; telling stories about him/her and singing as loud as you can. Cry with and hug the family. Look at you loved one one last time and smile if you can.